Numb
by In-My-Head-749
Summary: 19 year old Katniss Everdeen is numb. Empty. She just wants to feel. Will someone be able to help her or is she too far gone. Finniss or Everlark. I'm not sure yet. Rated M for lots of sex and drug/alcohol abuse but no smut. Please read.
1. Chapter 1

**So...hello...This is my first Hunger Games fic except a oneshot called nightmares, feel free to check it out. This is quite a dark fic and involves quite a lot of sex and drug and alcohol abuse. There is no smut or stuff but I've rated this M because of the themes involved. I'm not sure how long this fic will be, and I'm also not sure if it will be Finniss or Everlark. She will meet both of them shortly, and Gale, but there is no question of a true romance with Gale. It's not that I don't like him, I just don't feel like writing them together. I think that's mostly it. The only thing is I am terrible at updating regularly, but yeah, I hope you like it...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with the hunger games...**

~She wants to go home, but nobody's home, it's where she lies, broken inside~  
><em>Avril Lavigne-Nobody's home<em>

Numb

Katniss let out a small gasp as the man she had met about an hour ago pushed her roughly against the cold brick wall in the alley next to the club. They were kissing, almost violently, not that she was complaining. The excessive amount of alcohol they had both consumed that night clouded both their judgements, but they both knew exactly what they were doing.

The man's sloppy lips made their way down her neck, as he lifted her up and wrapped her bare legs around his waist, causing him to push her harder against the wall as his had dropped to his flies. At this moment in time they both wanted the same thing, and they were both going to get it, and in that moment they didn't care about anything else.

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><p>Katniss woke up with a banging in her head and it took her a few moments to realise where she was, she was next to the man from last night, they must've gone back to his after the experience against the wall. The memories of last night were hazy, she remembered meeting the guy in the club, flirting and drinking with him for about an hour before heading outside before being overtaken by lust.<p>

At 19 years old Katniss was no stranger to alchohol and sex, but unlike some people she didn't do it to enjoy herself, she did it to feel something, anything. Katniss Everdeen was numb. Completely empty. She had lost everyone she held close at the tender age of 14, both her parents and younger sister had died in a car crash, which she had survived. She didn't cry at the funeral, she didn't even cry when she found out they were dead, five years she had spent without a tear even threatening to fall out of her eye.

Sometimes she was angry, sometimes she was sad, sometimes, very rarely, she was happy, but mostly she was numb, and it was strange. She couldn't remember what it was like to truly feel something normal, and she didn't know if she ever would again.

She silently crawled out of the grimy bed, put her short dress back on and pulled her heels on before silently heading home. Home. Home for some people was a bustling busy house full of children and covered in mess and pictures and happiness. For some people it was a small, quiet house, peaceful, calm and clean. A place to make memories of first love and first heartbreak. For other people it was the place they had lived all of their life, a place already filled with memories, memories that would die with them, a place where they felt safe and loved. For her, home was a one bedroomed flat with neighbours on one side that couldn't keep themselves to themselves and on the other side a guy ten years older than her, called Haymitch Abernathy, who was permanently stoned or drunk.

Haymitch wasn't that bad, they had spent many a night getting stoned together, he hadn't had an easy life, she knew that much, but he had never divulged any details, and she was fine with that.

The block of flats themselves were the worst ones in the worst estate in Panem. The estate, simply named '12', was as far away as you could get from '1', where she had grown up.

After her family's death she had been sent to live with her only remainig family, Aunt Enobaria and Uncle Brutus, and their children Cato and Clove in '2' . They had never got along, and Katniss was permanently reminded that she wasn't one of them, which was probably what lead her to joining 'The Strays' at school.

The Strays were the outcasts, the misfits, the ones who didn't give a fuck about school or life in general, the ones that just wanted to get away. So that's what they did, on the rare occasions they did go to school, they usually ended up walking out halfway through, unable and really not wanting to have to deal with the words and taunts sent their way, usually by Clove or Cato and their friends to be honest.

Thresh was a fellow stray, two years older than her and a lot bigger, he was always getting into fights just about everywhere, but one night, when they were the only two left sitting on the swings in the park after a heavy night of drinking and smoking weed, they had ended up getting a lot closer than either of them had ever expected.

That was the night Katniss lost her virginity, and even though she and Thresh never spoke of it again, she couldn't forget the feeling that came along with it. That feeling of pleasure mixed in with danger and lust, it was one of the first things she had actually truly felt, especially strongly, since her family's death the previous year, and she liked it. She loved it infact, and she soon found herself regularly finding solace in the arms of unknown men that she never met again.

She didn't care about the reputation she was getting, she just needed to feel something, and that was the only thing that had worked so far, so why should she stop?

At the age of 17 she had announced she wanted to move out, something which Enobaria and Brutus had been exceptionally pleased about. They had given her just about enough money to buy this grimy flat in 12, but it was enough for her. She hadn't talked to them since. The only people she had kept in contact with from 2 was Johanna Mason, who now lived in 7, and Annie Cresta, who was now in 4. She had heard from them that Thresh now lived in 11, only about an hour away from her but she didn't see the point in going to see him, they had never been particularly close except that one night, but that had been 4 years ago.

In the day she now worked at the bakery, 10AM-5PM everyday except Sunday, which it was today. It paid well enough, she had enough money to get by and a little bit spare, that was all she needed. After that she would head to the pool and swim for an hour until half 6. Water was the only other place she had found herself able to feel. She had no idea why but as she glided through the water an inexplicable sense of calm washed over her.

Then she would come home and laze around for a bit before starting to get ready to go out at anytime from 8 onwards, whatever she felt like that day. Sometimes she would come home, sometimes she wouldn't, but she hardly ever remembered the events from the night before, and she liked it that way.

Letting out a sigh Katniss collapsed onto the sofa and lit up a cigarette, once again feeling nothing as she contemplated her life, the emptiness it involved and the nothing she cared about. The nothing she was.

**So please review, good or bad I'm not really bothered. If you don't like I would prefer it if you could tell me what you don't like so I could work on it and improve. Thanks :) :P**


	2. First meetings

**Sorry for the long wait guys, I had this chapter almost finished two weeks ago but my brother decide to take the charger (we have to share : ) anhe d whenever I actually had a chance to get on the laptop he was using it and I was reallllyyyy busy...Anyways, thanks for the reviews and I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

First meetings

Katniss was flying, flying so high. The room around her spun as she danced to the song blasting out of all the surrounding speakers. The bright strobe lights flashed all around her, the colours blurring into a continuous haze, but she liked it . She felt so free, so perfect, so alive, she couldn't get enough of this feeling.

As she spun by herself, she felt a hand grab hold of her arm and saw a rather good looking guy looking at her with a smile on his face. "Do you want a drink?" He questioned.

Katniss just smiled and nodded "Vodka and coke please." She giggled, the sound dancing around in her head like bells and fairies and all things nice and pretty.

"I'll be back soon." The handsome stranger replied walking away, leaving Katniss on her own in her stoned state once again. He wasn't gone for long though, very soon he was back with Katniss's drink, but she took one sip of it before looking at him with a confused expression.

"Where's the vodka?" She complained, this was a completely non-alcoholic drink, she could tell that even in her drugged up haze.

"I thought you'd had enough already tonight." The handsome stranger smiled, sipping his own drink, much to her annoyance.

"I never have enough." Katniss sighed, turning away from the man, but spinning back around quickly as he grabbed her arm again, "Let go, or I'll pour this over your head!" She spat, holding up the plain coke to show she meant it.

"Come on, no need for that, I just want to talk to you." He replied, still with that ever present, slightly annoying grin on his face.

"Yeah right," Katniss scoffed, "No guy ever just wants to talk. I think I've had enough experience in that department."

The guy let out a laugh before saying, "Well you obviously haven't met a proper man yet."

Pulling her arm out of the man's grasp Katniss said, "If you find one be sure to tell me, yeah?" Before starting to walk away, but the sound of the strangers voice caused her to turn around and see him with his arm outstretched.

"Pleased to make your acquaintance, I'm Gale, Gale Hawthorne."

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><p>The next morning Katniss woke up with a banging in her head, but it wasn't half as painful as usual, and to her surprise, she actually had her clothes on for once.<p>

She wasn't at home though, she was laying on someones sofa with a duvet over the top of her, but who's was it? And that's when she remembered, Gale Hawthorne, the guy she had met in the club with the intention of one night of passion which had turned into talking, a lot of talking, but what exactly had she said? That's what she wanted to know.

It wasn't too long before she found out either, as just a few moments after she woke up Gale walked into the room holding a cup of water and some tablets, which she took gratefully.

"What time is it?" She groaned as she sat up, placing the glass of water down on the table next to her with a sigh.

"It's half 8." Gale replied, glancing at his watch, "But don't worry, I've called Mr Mellark at the bakery and told him you'll be a little bit late. He said it was fine because his nephew was coming to start work with him today."

"Oh, okay," Katniss spoke, "But how did you know I worked at the bakery?"

"You told me, last night." Gale answered with a smile on his face, "We came back to mine, listened to some musci and talked till you feel asleep at about 4."

As he said this some of the memories started finding their way back into Katniss's head, they weren't particularly clear, but at least she was remembering something. "How much did I actually tell you?" Was Katniss's next question, she needed to know exactly how much Gale knew about her depressing life.

"Everything, well you said it was everything anyway." Gale replied, not going into anymore detail, as he was sure Katniss would not want him to do so. She had only told him the amount she had because of the alchohol and drugs that were contaminating her body, he knew, even though he had only just met her, that Katniss would not of told him if she was sober, he wasn't sure why, he just knew.

Katniss just let out a sigh before turning her attention to her hands, she didn't want to look at Gale and see the expression of pity he was sure to have on his face, the expression the few people she had told wore after she had told her story and everytime they saw her, she hated it.

It turned out Gale lived only about ten minutes from Katniss, and he, being the 'charming gentleman', as he put it, he was, walked her back to her grotty little flat before they exchanged phone numbers, saying they would talk later.

Katniss had a shower before changing into her work clothes, just some black leggings and a black top, which would be covered by the Mellark Bakery apron when she arrived at what she decided would be about 11 o'clock. She applied her signature smokey black eye make up before packing her swimming things into a bag, slinging it over her shoulder and starting the half hour walk to the bakery.

Mr Mellark was a nice man and a good boss, he was always fair and would give Katniss time off if she ever asked, which she had only done on about 2 occasions, not counting today. He had said something about his nephew, that he was a nice, quiet boy who had been cooking since he could walk. He was the same age as her, but probably had some qualifications as he had come for a gap year after finishing school. Other than that she knew nothing about her new workmate, she didn't even know his name. Part of her couldn't care less about this boy, but the other part of her was intrigued, and she wanted to know more. She couldn't tell why she wanted to know more, she never usually did when she met new people, maybe it was because of Gale, and the discovery that maybe everyone wasn't bad and only looking for one thing from her, but who knew.

She soon arrived at the small, but popular, buliding on the outskirts of town. She entered the door, nodding at Mr Mellark as she passed the counter and abandoned her belongings in the back room before grabbing one of the sky blue aprons of the hangers and tying it around her waist.

She returned to the counter, askign Mr Mellark where he wanted her, which was on the counter serving the customers. She stayed there for hours, serving a continuous trail of people asking for all different kinds of bread and cakes.

She didn't catch a glimpse of the new boy until two hours after she had started her shift, but she had to admit she was impressed by what she saw. He came out of the ktichen carrying two trays of cheese buns, which just happened to be her favourite item the bakery sold, and his muscles clearly showed under his black shirt. He had flour in his blonde hair, and his blue eyes seemed deep and kind, with a mysterious aspect to them. Katniss found herself staring as he leant over to place the buns on display before turnign to her and sending her a dazzling smile.

Their eyes connected for a moment before he had to rush back to the kitchen, but she couldn't explain the feeling that had arisen in the pit of her stomach, it was strange, but she knew one thing for sure, she wanted to get to know Mr Mellark's nephew.

**Waahh, hope there's not too many mistakes, I di dread it through but knowing me I missed something. Please review thanks :) :P**


	3. Getting to know him

**I am so sorry for not updating. I could make up some excuse or just go on a ten hour rant about how annoying and busy my life has been but yeah. I'm sorry. This chapter has our first look at Finnick and we get to know Peeta a little bit better. I hope you like it :)**

Getting to know him

The oppurtunity to speak to bread boy, as Katniss had taken to calling Mr Mellark's nephew, came sooner than she had expected as she left the store at quarter past one for her lunch break. Like usual, she headed over to the little cafe round the corner, Rue's, the owner named it after his eldest daughter, who had now just turned 17, and often worked the lunch shift.

Rue was one of the nicest people Katniss had ever met, she was always standing behind the counter with a smile on her face and loved a good chat, and seemed to actually make an effort to get to know the people she served.

Katniss had just sat down with her cheese and tomato sandwich in the small table in the corner by the window, it was her favourite seat because she could watch everyone walking by, going about their lives, and she often wondered what their stories were, because everyone had one. However tragic or happy or confusing, everyone had a story, and even though the chances were that she would never lay eyes on that person again, it didn't stop her guessing.

It was as she looked out the window she found a pair of dazzling blue eyes staring back at her, and before she knew it they were inside the cafe and sitting down next to her.

"Hi, you're Katniss, right? My uncle said I'd find you here." His voice was clear and confident, but with an air of modesty about it, like he was sure of himself but he wasn't cocky or anything, she liked that.

"Yeah, I come here everyday, it's nice." Katniss replied with a nod. "What's your name then bread boy?"

"Bread boy?" He let out a snigger. "Seriously? That's my nickname. Bread boy!?"

"Well, what else am I supposed to call you, I don't know your name, do I?" Katniss pointed out with a laugh, he seemed funny, like he had a good sense of humour.

"Well, for your information, I'm Peeta." He reavealed. Peeta. Nice name. Peeta.

"Well, Peeta," Katniss spoke, "You gonna get any lunch or are you just going to spend your lunch break staring at me?"

"Well, Katniss, if you really want me to I'll go get it now." Peeta replied, standing up and heading over ot the small queue that had formed near the counter.

Peeta Mellark. Well. He definitely looked good, and his eyes were just amazing, as was his body. He was interesting too, from what the little she had seen so far he wasn't just a two dimensional man who only wanted one thing. All in all, he seemed nice.

* * *

><p>The rest of the day was good. Katniss and Peeta were having small conversations whenever they could, learning small snippets of information about eachothers lives, but nothing serious, nothing important, just unnecessary details, most of which made them laugh.<p>

It was as she was walking to the swimming pool she reflected on the days and last nights events. It felt like a run of good luck really, she had met two really nice guys in the space of 12 hours, when she had probably met that many before in her whole time of living in 12.

Just as she was thinking this a bright blue car rolled up beside her and the window rolled down to reveal none other than Finnick Odair, a lifeguard at the pool and a total fitty.

Anyone who said he wasn't good looking was lying, he had pretty much the perfect body and face, his sandy coloured hair always perfectly styled and his sea green eyes ready to mesmerise any girl he wanted, any girl other than Katniss that was. He had tried a lot of times to get her into bed, but it had never worked, except once, but that was only because she was completely hammered and it had been a rarely quiet night out and she wanted to fuck someone and he was there.

It wasn't that she didn't like Finnick, he was a nice guy (one of the few she had thought about earlier) but he was just a bit too vain and self obssessed for her, but he always made up for his flaws by completely embarrassing himself when he got drunk, which was hilarious to watch, especially when it came to strip poker, or that time skinny dipping, and the whole running round the streets naked when the police were around, now _that _had been good. She wasn't completely sure why Finn was so good at embarrassing himself while he was in the nude, but it wasn't like she was complaining, he did have an extremely nice body.

"Want a lift Katniss?" He asked in his smooth voice, shooting her one of his perfect smiles.

"Why not?" She replied as she opened the door and climbed into the car, what was the point in walking when she didn't need to?

The car ride passed in silence other than the usual exchange of 'How's your day been' and 'Fine thanks.' Soon they were at the pool and Katniss was in her swimming costume. She pulled her hair up into a tight ponytail and shut her things in a locker before making her way towards the shimmering blue liquid.

She swam for about an hour, up and down the pool in repetitive calming circles, up and down, up and down. Clearing her head of all thoughts of new friends and everything really. Forgetting felt nice, forgetting was good, even if it was forgetting the good things because they were confusing, just about everything was confusing in life really, whatever it was.

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><p>Katniss stared at herself in the mirror. Her smoky black eye make-up and bright red lipstick making her face stand out. She was stood in silver hot pants and a tight black patterned crop top. Six inch strappy heels completed the look, and it was a good one. She had already had two cans of beer and she was feeling completely free.<p>

She looked at her reflection one more time before picking up her cheap black clutch bag and leaving the flat. Today might've been good, but it didn't mean she didn't want to get completely and utterly wasted.

**Please review thanks :) :P**


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